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Many people who meet their partner through online dating, do so following the breakdown of a marriage or long term relationship. Often in these circumstances, there are children involved and online dating can be a great fun and easy way to get back in to the single and dating scene without having to arrange a babysitter.

However, the welfare of children can also be a deterrent to many parents to trying online dating as they are concerned about introducing new people into their kids lives without knowing anything of their backgrounds, or indeed if they are who they say they are.

"..handled sensitively, a new relationship
can make your children feel more secure
and can be a really positive step towards a
happy future for you all"

Obviously, the safety and happiness of your children is going to be your primary concern. Introducing a new partner into their lives, whoever they may be and however you meet them,  will be a major step. If not handled well, it can add to the inevitable stress that will have been caused by the initial breakdown of their parents or carers relationship.  However, handled sensitively, a new relationship can make your children feel more secure and can be a really positive step towards a happy future for you all. For the most part, your children are more likely to be happy if you are happy.

Children of any age will naturally view a new partner with some suspicion well before you actually introduce them. They will be concerned about having to compete for your attention and may feel some degree of jealousy towards your new partner. In younger children, this can lead to temper tantrums and problems at school, while teenagers may withdraw and become (even more) difficult to engage in conversation. As any parent will know, this is pretty standard behaviour a lot of the time anyway and it may be difficult to spot the difference. However, the signs will be there and it is vital not to ignore them or be too punitive towards them if possible.

"If you are the primary carer of your kids,
the task of rebuilding your love life can
seem Herculean..."

Try to ensure that your absorption in your new relationship does not leave your kids out in the cold. If you are the absent parent, make sure you never cancel access visits or arrangements in favour of your partner. They have to understand you come as a family package and your first responsibility is to your children, particularly in the early days. Make time for them without your partner present and introduce them slowly, with the kids setting the pace as much as possible. They can and do remember how you handle this new situation and even though they won’t appear to appreciate your sacrifices at this stage, it is so important for them to feel valued and loved as much as ever, even though you can no longer live with them.

If you are the primary carer, the task of rebuilding your love life can seem Herculean. This is where online dating really can be a lifeline. You can take it at a pace which will fit round your kids and your life. Try to keep your times on the computer to when they are out or in bed. If they feel they can’t get your attention even before you have met someone special, they are not going to be impressed when that virtual love becomes a reality.

If you have older children, you might consider explaining what you are doing. But keep it at a level which you feel they can handle. Teenagers can be horrified at the prospect of their parents having any kind of love life and may not take the idea very well. However, if your older teenager is very supportive of you generally, they could be a really good ally and friend in difficult circumstances. If your children do know that you are online dating, let them know what steps you are taking to keep them and you safe. Have a look at dating safety and follow the safety rules outlined there.

For any parent, it is important to keep your dates at a distance from your home and children until you are certain they can be trusted to be part of your life. This is basic good sense however you meet, and protects you all from the very small minority who will abuse your trust.  Meet at neutral places and do not give away your address or details of the kid’s schools etc until you really do know who this person is. Be particular wary if, as a relationship progresses, you still know nothing about their friends and family, or what they do when they’re not with you. Information should be exchanged as your relationship grows, never one way!

"Try to take a back seat occasionally and let
your kids get to know your partner
without always being in the middle."

There are no hard and fast rules on how long you should wait before introducing your new partner to your children. When it feels right and you are confident they are safe knowing this person, it’s probably OK. Try to keep the introduction as low key as possible. Remember you have had time to build this relationship and get to know this person, your kids may not even be aware or their existence. So, launching straight in with “meet John, he’s your new Stepdad and he lives here now” may not get things off to the right start! With younger kids in particular, introducing someone as a friend and letting the relationship build from there is probably the best approach. Try to take a back seat occasionally and let your kids get to know your partner without always being in the middle. Understandably, you’ll want to be present all the time at the start to see how things go but letting them interact on their own terms will give them the opportunity to find out if they can get along.

Don’t make a big deal of your partner’s introduction or their meetings. Nothing will make kids more determined to scare this person off than a stressed out parent telling them to be on their best behaviour After all, if a relationship is going to have a future, the whole family need to be able to relax and be comfortable together.

Finally, try to keep your sex life discreet. Your teenagers will be horrified and your  younger children confused if they are not spared some of the details! No one is suggesting you should take up celibacy as a permanent state, unless you want to of course, and it can be very difficult, particularly if you are the sole carer. But think about how you would feel waking up to find an unexpected visitor in the house! If your kids are prone to nocturnal visits to your room put a lock on the door – or wedge it shut when necessary! Until the relationship is a well established part of your kid’s lives, limit overnight stays to when they aren’t around.

By showing some consideration to how your children might feel about you embarking on a new relationship and ensuring that they are safe, secure and happy, they are far more likely to respect your need for happiness and support you in your new life. Step parents and partners can have a really positive impact on children’s lives and can be one of the best things to come out of a relationship breakdown.  If you are settled in a happy healthy relationship with someone who is willing to build their own friendship and positive relationship with your kids, your children can only benefit. So don’t be put off – have fun dating and make your new life happen!

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